Top 10 generic social media points
tl;dr: Dave is very tired of reading the same blog post
- This list has been concocted entirely to put a tired spin on the same old non-specific, fluffy anodyne advice that you’ve heard before on that-internet-thing-that-you-are-interested-in. But you’ll read it won’t you? You’ll read it because you’re weak. Just in case you miss a little thing about that-internet-thing-that-you-are-interested-in, and when you talk about it to someone they know the thing and you don’t. If this happens, you will have definitely failed at life.
- Obvious fact or assertion about the internet-thing-you’re-interested in. For instance, "design for the end user"; as opposed to, say, "design for your long dead uncle" or "design to withstand the apocalypse".
- Unfalsifiable assertion based on my opinion.
- Opinion based on some facts from a research company that has no stake in the data leaning in a particular direction. No, ma’am. Say what? A social media company has done some research that reveals social media guides every decision ever made; you don’t say?
- By this point in the article you would be starting to get that empty feeling that I might be wasting your time. But that means you made a mistake. And you don’t make mistakes. So you’ll read on.
- Now I’m cross linking to all my other articles with optimised anchor text! Don’t click; all the other articles will be just like this one in turn cross linked to others just like this; you’ll enter into a byzantine Escher world of ever decreasing value.
- This is where I make a hazy prognosis about how say all conventional businesses will be dead in 5 years. It makes me look like I’m willing to stick my neck out; committed to my message; like I have a special future spyglass that God gave me. Plus no one will check back, I’ll be gravy.
- I’ve just made £100 from Google Adsense whilst you’ve been wasting your life reading this. I also look more like a that-internet-thing-that-you-are-interested-in guru, so will probably get paid embarrassing sums to write guest blogs or speak at conferences to continue recycling this stuff! This is all, in part, because you stopped by- so thanks!
- I spend so much time knocking off articles like this and going to or speaking at conferences that I couldn’t possibly have had time to actually check to see if any of this advice actually works. So when I say in the article that this is the way I always do it, I’m either lying or the intern came up with it.
- 10. We don’t have a tenth! See, we’re just everyday guys! A bit kooky, a bit madcap, fond of horseplay. You can trust us!
This is the place for obsequious comments from meat ciphers masquerading as cognisant human beings pronouncing noncommittal slop like "You really nailed it, Bob, I’m going to meditate on this one."
Alternatively, we could leave a comment saying good job, but that it’s similar to something we wrote in our blog a year ago; appending a link to said article implying that we were the first to have whatever membrane-thin idea is under discussion.